So yesterday I wrote a blog post. First time I wrote it directly in my iPhone WordPress app. Normally I use my notes app and then copy and paste. But I thought why do that when I could just type it right in and skip the whole copy and paste step. When I went to publish, the app crashed and as of today is still crashed. I’ve checked from my laptop and the post never made it to the server. I guess that post will forever be lost. And I guess that’s a good thing.
It must have been Karma. Although it was honest, it was a bit raw. See yesterday my husband told me I was depressed. Now I willingly admit I am in a funk, but depressed? As I asked for reasons why he thought this, he told me that I complain about even my extracurricular activities like Sigma Kappa and my latest endeavor teaching. And of course I rant daily about my job. This got me thinking and those thoughts became my now lost post.
I have to admit, I have been complaining a lot about my volunteer work as well as grading. But in reality, I may not enjoy every aspect about either role, I find that those roles and responsibilities bring me far more joy than sadness or frustration. And they both bring me a sense of pride and accomplishment. As I wrote my post yesterday, I came to realize it is overwhelmingly my job that brings me little joy, pride or sense of accomplishment. In my post I ranted about my dislike for my boss and more importantly, the shallowness of what I do on a daily basis, which is to create wealth for a wealthy company. So maybe Karma was trying to keep me from being so raw about these feelings I have for a place I spend 60 hours a week in the daily grind. But also the place that provides well for me and my family. It may not have been the wisest thing to do, posting my raw emotion and disdain for corporate America.
Although yesterday all I wanted was to recover the post and publish it, today with a cooler frame of mind, I am ok that it is lost in iPhone/Wordpress Lost Appland. I had to vent, and I did. I had to air my frustrations and I did. But it is probably best that it is not for the world to read. I see it as writing down all those negative feelings you have, then shredding the paper and throwing it away. It’s gone and today my focus is on what to do next.
The problem I see is that my passion is to help others, to make the world less divided. And my job, except for coaching and developing my people, does none of that. ( I will admit, I love my team! Came in this morning to a Christmas Gift that was just generous and thoughtful – a Pandora charm – The Wise Owl and a gift to my beloved Sigma Kappa Foundation! they do bring me joy and when I leave I will surely miss them!) That is really why I do my volunteer work with Sigma Kappa and why I decided to teach – because I want to feel like I’ve made a difference in someone’s life. I complain because I don’t have the time to really do these two activities well because so much if my time is spent increasing the bottom line of a cash rich company. But the reality is I have bills. Bills I created that need to be paid. So how can I make a living while also doing something that brings me happiness. That makes me feel like I am contributing to the world in a positive way.
In 6 days I will have 12 days away from work. I am going to do what I am good at and that is lay out a plan. (I am a planner at heart – thus why I am good at my job). I will need to first come up with all the options. Can I find a job making less, but enough to get by and will that make me happy? Do I stick to my 5 year plan or can I shave off a year or two by being extremely frugal? I am not sure today but I hope to have a much clearer picture by the new year. Remember my values post, I value responsibility and couldn’t just up and quit without a plan.
The world is an amazing place. I want to ensure that I use this life I have to create even more amazing things. And making corporate America wealthier is not an amazing thing.