Tears and Fears

Emotions.  Why do we – or maybe it’s just me- so why do I let them get the best of me?  Most of the time I am a calm rational person.  I can engage in philosophical arguments and most of the time – not all as I am far from perfect- keep it respectful. But then there are the times emotions take over.  I become defensive, loud, mean and it leaves me feeling depressed, angry, frustrated and overall sad.  

This was me last week.  An emotional wreck.  I let my boss get the better of me.  And by Friday night I rode the train home silently staring out the window as tears rolled down my face.  What was I crying about.  I wasn’t even sure and still couldn’t explain exactly why.  But there I was, crying and feeling lost and confused.
I truly am a believer in the fact that although we cannot control what happens to us, we can control how we respond.  So why did I respond to a bad week at work, by crying?  I think there are a few reasons.
First, crying is a stress reliever.  When we hold our emotions in, which obviously in a work environment, we have to be less emotional, more with persona of cool and calm.  So crying is a way to let those tightly wound up and hidden emotions out.  Otherwise, if kept inside, they will kill us!  So it seems normal that my crying was a great way to empty those emotions and finally breathe.
But I don’t think that explains everything.  My tears were also a sign of fear.  It is my way of coping with being too scared to change my circumstances.  As noted in previous posts, I don’t really like my job any more.  For the last few years I have lacked satisfaction.  There is no feeling of what I am doing making any difference in the world.  I want to make a difference!  I have so many ideas!  Yet I am so scared to go after any of them!  I talk about it, but I don’t take action.  I plan, but I never execute!  My tears were also the sadness that I feel because I can’t seem to move beyond my fears!
Today I am coming to grips with this fear.  I am acknowledging it if nothing more. I may never be able to move past it, but I must first acknowledge it exists to even consider challenging it and winning against it!  Fear holds us back in many ways.  Sometimes to protect us but sometimes to make us stronger as we stare down the fear and overpower it with motivation and determination.
I am not sure I will power through this fear and conquer it, but I will at least spend some time getting to know it.  Why it is here?  To protect me?  And if so from what?  Or is it here to force me to look it in the eye and move right past it. Maybe tomorrow I will have a better answer.
My horoscope today is hinting at something: “you are in a construction phase, a good time to set the foundation.”  Is overcoming my fears a foundation to making the changes I am so fearful of?

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